By Roddy Doyle

1. STRATEGY

–Will the Syrians be with us?

–What Syrians?

–The Syrian refugees that are coming here. The four thousand.

-Are they here yet, even?

–Hang on, hang on. Even if they are here – all of them or only some of them. We can’t expect them to join us when they’re only after arriving. They haven’t had a chance to see what’s going on here. We can’t expect them to know about the water charges or political corruption at local and national levels in this so-called country.

–And also – through the chair. I strongly object to the objectification of our Syrian brothers and sisters.

–How?

–How what?

–How did I objectify them?

–Well, we’re planning an uprising. And you’re assuming that the Syrians will automatically want to join us in the struggle – the fight.

–I am not – excuse me.

–Well, that’s what I heard.

–Deal with your own prejudices, missis. Don’t pretend I’m voicing them for you.

–Comrades.

–What prejudices? You’re the one who’s decided that the first thing the Syrians will want to do after they land is to start a fight. And don’t you dare call me ‘missis’.

–We’re married!

–It’s fluid.

–Comrades!

–I’ve a suggestion.

–Great – go on.

–We leave the Syrians alone. Until they come to realise that they’ve simply swapped one corrupt puppet state for another one.

–Will they be able to reach that conclusion without help from us, do you think?

–Good point – it’s unlikely. But what I’m suggesting is, we don’t ask them to storm the GPO on Easter Monday. We could ask for their support later in the week.

–Oh yeah – and another thing.

–Is it important?

–Very.

–Go on.

–Well, the idea is to replicate the Easter Rising of 1916. To an extent. I’m right?

–Go on.

–Well, the 1916 Rising started on Easter Monday. But it would have started on Easter Sunday, except there was a mix-up.

–There was no mix-up. It was deliberate interference by bourgeois elements within the Republican movement.

–Okay. Point taken. But should we not get going – start it, like – on Easter Sunday? Seeing as that was the original plan.

–Can’t – sorry. I’ve to go to my mother’s on Easter Sunday.

–Your mother’s? This is a revolution we’re planning.

–On Easter Monday. Monday. The day after Sunday. It’s been Monday since the very beginning.

–I’m only suggesting –

–You’re being Eoghan MacNeill, all over again.

–Fuck off, you.

–Comrades!

–Through the chair – the signatories of the Proclamation all got the chance to say Goodbye to their mothers before they went out.

–So, why couldn’t you do it on the Saturday? What’s so bloody sacred about Sundays?

–Comrades – please. Moving on. We’ll stick to Monday.

–I’ll ask my mother about shifting dinner to Saturday but my sister’s coming over from Leeds.

–No, no – Monday it is. So, now. We have the venue and date. But numbers. We need rebels. How many have we at the moment? Seven.

–Eight.

–I see seven.

–We have Bandon on skype.

–Where’s the screen?

–On my lap.

–Oh. Yes. There’s a big head. Hello, Bandon.

–How’s the man?

–Or woman.

–Yeah.

–How are conditions in Bandon – and West Cork, generally? Will you be able to get numbers out on Easter Monday, for the Rising?

–Depends on the flooding.

–Flooding?

–It’s woeful at the moment. I’m taking a break from the sandbagging, like.

–Will you be able to persuade enough of the people to take up arms, to help bring down the State?

–You wouldn’t have to persuade them at the moment, like, with the river water creeping up the fuckin’ stairs. Everyone here would be happy enough to shoot a langer from Dublin – a politician, like.

–So, the conditions are ripe?

–God, yeah. As long as the guns are ethically produced and no animals were harmed making them.

–Great – that’s very encouraging.

–There’s one thing, though. The name of the yoke.

–Sorry?

–The Rising. You’ll have to call it something else. People here will associate ‘rising’ with ‘flooding’ – water rising, like. They’ll never buy into it if it’s called the Rising.

–Through the chair – could be a similar problem throughout the Midlands.

–Well, I’m saying it now. If it’s not the Rising, I’m out.

–Right – right. We’ll put it – the name – on the agenda for the next meeting. Under marketing.

–Marketing?

–Moving on. Do we know any Greeks? Just a thought.

–I have contacts.

–Good.

–But they ignored my instructions – sorry, my fraternal advice – at the last election. They disappointed me. Not me – all right-thinking people.

–Okay. Arms.

–Arms?

–Guns – weaponry. Ordnance. What have we?

–I have my megaphone. But it needs batteries.

–We’ve no guns. Which brings us back to the Syrians.

–Objection.

–Noted. We need arms. Agreed?

–Yes.

–So. Are we against sponsorship?